Moanna’s Birth Story – Part 6: Learning from the Ugly
Moanna’s birth was not at all how we planned it. It was not the experience we wanted for Moanna or ourselves. In some ways it was scarring. However, through the experience and planning for Deuce’s birth we have been able to learn and grow and become better parents, partners and people.
Again, I’m sorry for the long winded post. Writing about Moanna’s birth has been a therapeutic exercise for me, and in order for it to be effective, I needed to get it all out. When I started this mini drama, I had no idea just how deep and lengthy it would turn out. When you are reading this installment, please read it knowing that parts of it are very personal, so be kind in your judgments, and please be kind to anyone else who decides to share their own birth experiences.
If you are new, start with these…
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
We didn’t know what we didn’t know – With birthing and breastfeeding, no matter how much you educate yourself, you still aren’t fully prepared. It’s like becoming a doctor. You can read all of the books and take all of the tests, but until you’re in the operating room you don’t really know how to perform surgery. Until you are neck deep in labor, you don’t really know how you’re going to handle things, how you’re body is going to handle things and how your partner is going to handle things. With our first babies, we look to more experienced friends, family and healthcare professionals to guide us along the way. We only know what we learn from others and what we find in the most recommended books. Now that Steve and I have been around the block, we know what we didn’t know the first time around. We know a lot more about each other and how we handle things. We know a lot more about the birthing process, what our options are and how strongly we feel about certain things in the world of birthing. Of course all births are different so we don’t know exactly what to expect for Deuce’s arrival and we can’t plan out every contraction, but we have a solid plan and are prepared for how we will handle things if they come up.
We needed another person with us at the hospital. When we went into Moanna’s birth, we decided that we only wanted the two of us at the hospital. To us, welcoming Moanna into our lives and becoming a new little family was a personal and private matter. Looking back on it, we really should have had someone else with us. Steve needed to be able to take a break, eat, breathe, nap, whatever. Once I was in active labor, I didn’t want Steve out of my site. As a result he had no breaks. If we had someone else with us, Steve could have stepped away for a bit to regroup. If he had been able to leave my writhing side for a breather, it may have been easier for him to encourage me to be strong and get through without the epidural. In addition to offering Steve a time out, having someone else on our side could have helped us stand up to the hospital staff and ask questions that we were too emotional and exhausted to think to ask. This person could have encouraged both of us along throughout the labor in many ways.
For Deuce’s arrival, we plan to have two friends with us, and our midwives will be with us nonstop once things get intense. Steve and I have learned that he needs to be able to step away and take care of himself, so that he can enjoy the experience more and take better care of me. We have also learned that I am a lot stronger during labor than we thought I would be, and that there were times during my labor that I needed my space so that I could get deep within myself.
We should have questioned everything that wasn’t in our original plan. Red flags should have gone off when the nurse came back with more than an anti nausea medication. I didn’t ask for fluids, or the other stuff she was hooking me up to. I should have asked her more questions, and then asked her to leave so Steve and I could discuss the fluids that were not requested without her eyeing us the entire time. We should have done the same thing when the Pitocin walked into our room along with everything else that popped up that wasn’t in our plan. Unless there is a true blue emergency going on and there really is no time to talk things over, if something we didn’t originally plan on comes up during Deuce’s birth, we will ask our labor team to leave so that we can discuss the proposed intervention in private and make our decision without intimidating and judging eyes influencing our discussion and decision.
I was partially blaming Steve for the way Moanna’s birth went. I have learned through planning for Deuce’s arrival that I have placed a lot of blame on Steve for things not going as planned. I had no idea I felt this way. I felt an overwhelming sense of shock and guilt when the realization came to me. At the hospital, I expected Steve to stand up to the nurses and doctor when they were not listening to my wishes. When they were pushing drugs and cervix checks on me, I was expecting Steve to tell them where to take their drugs and rubber gloves and shove it. He didn’t stand up to them, he didn’t tell them where to go, and in fact he encouraged me to accept the epidural. I had no idea at the time, but by not standing up for me and for us, I felt like Steve was violating our trust and bond, and that he was not doing his job to protect our family. Unfortunately, I have carried this feeling of abandonment to other parts of our lives. I fight really hard to get Steve to understand my point of view. Even if he already agrees with me and understands my needs, I continue to fight for what I want to make sure he REALLY gets it.
When I brought all of this up with Steve, he was as shocked as I was if not more so. He was also crushed. After things sank in for a bit, Steve explained his actions and thoughts on that day. He had no idea that it was acceptable to stand up to doctors and nurses. He didn’t want to upset the people that were responsible for keeping Moanna and me alive. He also thought that he was doing the right thing by encouraging me to take the epidural because I was in so much pain, and he didn’t want me to suffer.
I know that Steve is not to blame for the outcome of Moanna’s birth. I now know that Steve was protecting us and taking care of us in the way he thought was best at the time. Rationally, I knew this all along, but my emotional self was not on the same page until recently. Steve understands why I get a little bit (very) passionate over things to make sure that he really understands me.
The doctor checking my cervix against my will damaged my affectionate self. For the past several years, it has been hard for me to be affectionate towards others. I’ve never been a particularly lovey dovey person, but prior to Moanna’s birth I was much more open and loving to those I care about. For awhile now, Steve and I have been trying to solve the mystery about why I don’t like anyone in my space, and why my physical affection towards Steve has diminished so much. We knew it had nothing to do with my love or attraction for him and that without question that love has grown a million times since the day Moanna was born. We thought it was stress, exhaustion, hormone imbalance, a lack of fun, a lack of alone time and several dozen other theories. This has caused us a lot of frustration and tears over the years.
I wasn’t looking for answers to my lack of desire for affection when I began learning more about the birth process, but I came across some very interesting information. Depending on how a woman is treated during the birthing process, she can have her intimate self damaged or extinguished entirely. On the flip side, if a woman has a positive birthing experience, her intimate self can be awakened. At first, I thought it was a farfetched concept, but the more I read and the more I thought, it made perfect sense. As I thought back over the past several years and Moanna’s birth, it hit me. That is where my lack of affection began. I remember going back to the doctor for my post partum checkup, and telling the doctor, “I don’t like people being near me. If Steve tries to kiss me or snuggle up to me, I hyperventilate and have an anxiety attack.” The doctor was like, “Well you’re sleep deprived and Moanna depends on you for everything, so you just need your space for awhile. Also breastfeeding doesn’t help your hormones.” At the time, his explanation made sense to me. However, the panic attacks and lack of desire for affection from Steve or anyone else in my life continued. Hugs from friends and family, snuggling up with Moanna, showing my love for people in general all make me very uncomfortable.
The more I thought about this connection, the more it made sense to me and the angrier I got. There is really no soft or easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it. When the doctor didn’t allow me to go pee before checking my cervix, I felt as though I was being violated. I know that the doctor did not have that intention at all, but that is how I felt. When you are in labor you are very vulnerable and you expect the people around you to respect you and protect you. Unfortunately, during a very delicate and life changing experience in my life, I was violated. A doctor who I should have been able to trust and who I expected respect from, made me feel violated when I was in a very vulnerable state. Showing affection to others and letting them show affection towards me makes me feel vulnerable and therefore I am afraid that they may also try to take advantage me, or use my love and affection against me. I know better than to really think that the people around me are going to make me feel bad, but that is what is I feel subconsciously.
When I told Steve about my discovery, he too was enraged and relieved. Finally having answers to my affection issues has been a major relief. Just knowing why I have had affection issues over the past four years has allowed me to open up more. I have become a little more affectionate and loving to the people around me, and I’m learning to accept love and affection from those who love me. Steve and I have discussed the fact that I may need to see a therapist of some kind to overcome all of this, but it wouldn’t be effective until after Deuce is born. We know that having a great birth with Deuce won’t necessarily right the wrong of my previous birth experience, but we know that it will help the healing process.
For a long time, I didn’t realize that Moanna’s birth was something that I had to heal from (other than physically). I didn’t know how much the actual birthing of a child could shape a person and how it can have a lasting impact on their being. Through preparing for Deuce’s birth and writing this series of posts, I have let go of a lot of weight that I had been holding onto since the day Moanna was born. Although, it’s been an emotional and exhausting process, it has been a positive and uplifting one as well.
**I am working on another chapter to this saga (and it should be the last) that will be finished in the coming days. I wanted to end this journey on a positive note, so the final part will be about all of the good things that happened during Moanna’s birth. Several positive things happened during Moanna’s birth, and I feel that it’s important to acknowledge and celebrate them.
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