An Undesirable Reaction
In Atlanta, I am surrounded by people from all over the world and by people with all different kinds of lifestyles. It’s one of my favorite things about Atlanta. I have always loved people who not at all like I am. I will be bold and say that I am one of the most open and accepting individuals I know. As long as you are not causing pain or heart ache to others, I want you to be who you are and live life in a way that brings you happiness.
Now that you know this about me, listen to this story and tell me why on earth I had this kind of reaction.
When we moved here, we opened an account at the library. In order to do so, we had to show documentation that we lived in the Atlanta area. We showed them our lease, and they gave us library cards. We checked out a few books and went on our merry way.
A few weeks later, I went into the library to change my email address. I went to the front desk, and asked the guy who was working if he could help me. He appeared to be from Asia; what country exactly, I’m not sure. I am deeply embarrassed to say that I haven’t learned how to tell the difference between people who are Chinese, Japanese, Korean and so on.
The man behind the desk asked to see my driver’s license to verify my identity.
I showed him my VA driver’s license.
He looked at it, and said. “This is not from Georgia.”
I said, “I know. We just moved here and haven’t had time to change our license.”
He said, “Well, I need proof of your residency.”
My immediate, and thank heavens internal, reaction was, “You need proof of my residency?! How about your residency? Are you even allowed to be in this country?”
My external reaction was, “We brought our lease in when we opened our account. If you need me to, I can go get it and come back.”
He said that wouldn’t be necessary, and he fixed my email address.
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY did I react that way when he asked to verify my residency? He was very nice. He was doing his job. CLEARLY, he is here legally because he works for the library which is a government agency (or something). I am so upset with myself. Disgusted actually. It’s totally unacceptable. I have been the victim of discrimination (I’ll tell you about that later). I get profiled at the airport all the time. I have zero tolerance for people who are discriminating towards others. It fills me with rage. So why, why, why, WHY did I behave this way?
Prev Post -> To Sum Things Up
Go easy on yourself. It sounds like he just pissed you off by questioning your right to receive library services. Humans are defensive and it’s a natural reaction to want to attack back. It’s how we’re wired. He questioned your validity and so you automatically did the same to him. We cannot help what goes through our heads when we’re not trying to edit our thoughts. At least you had the civility to check yourself before you blurted out your negative thoughts.
Yes, definitely go easy on yourself. No matter how liberal and accepting one may be; deep inside in our most inner human instincts we have mistrust of someone who is not “like us”. The difference between you and many others is your ability to keep that in check and not recgonize it on a conscious level. Nobody likes to be challenged; especially when they are in the right. His actions brought out your natural defenses and you kept your ability to handle it graciously. You are feeling so guilty (misplaced) and perhaps this man acted in a manner which was too challenging for the situation. He may be at fault for his behavior. Don’t sweat it!!!
The really important thing is that despite the initial gut reaction you experienced, you recognized it as negative and innappropriate. You checked your response to him, realized your mistaken impression and took responsibility. Most people aren’t willing to own up to themslves that way. Anyone that claims to never having experienced somthing similar is kidding themselves. There’s no way to overcome these issues unless we are willing to see them in ourselves. I’m not dissappointed in you. I applaud you.
I think it is fairly safe for me to say that we, as human beings, have all done this ourselves in some way, shape or form. I know I have caught myself doing something similar to this. It is a horrible feeling to believe that you are so open to other people being who they are, or want to be, and then to find yourself making harsh judgements that you know deep inside you don’t actually feel. But as everyone before me has said, at least you knew better than to say it out loud, thankfully!