Say This, Not That: When Your Friend Has a Miscarriage

If you have a friend who is going through a miscarriage, you may not know what to say. You may find yourself at a loss for words, or saying something that comes out all wrong. Knowing what to say can make both you and your friend feel more comfortable. Below I have created a short list of what to say to your friend, and what to avoid saying. If you find yourself with a friend who has had a miscarriage, I am so sorry that the two of you are having to go face this, and I hope that this helps you and your friend get through this difficult time.

Say: I am so sorry
Not: That sucks
— By simply saying “I’m sorry” you are telling your friend that you are hurting for her and that it makes you sad knowing that she is going through this difficult time. “That sucks” doesn’t convey the same message. “That sucks” is a matter-of-fact statement, and not an expression of your feelings.

Say: How do you feel?
Not: You must be in a lot of pain/devestated
— Instead of assuming how your friend feels, ask her. Everyone handles miscarriage differently, so your friend may not be in a lot of pain (physical, mental or emotional) or devastated. She may be at peace with her miscarriage or she might be heart broken. If she says she’s feeling OK, say “That’s good.” If she says she’s not doing so good, respond with, “I’m so sorry.” (“I’m so sorry” is going to come up a few more  times.)

Say: Do you want to talk about it?
Not: Oh, heard about your miscarriage. Anyway, so my date last night with Todd…
— Even if  your friend really wants to to talk about her miscarriage, she probably isn’t going to open up without an invitation. She would rather keep her thoughts and feelings to herself than scare you away. Asking her if she wants to talk about it, tells her that you are comfortable listening if she needs a good ear. If she doesn’t want to talk about it she’ll say, “No. That’s OK. So how was your date last night?” If this is her response you say, “Well if you ever change your mind, I’m here to listen.” Then tell her about your date. Hearing the details of your date will let her escape for awhile, and that may be exactly what she needs.

Say: I admire your strength
Not: God won’t give you something you’re not strong enough to handle
— It takes a lot of strength to endure a miscarriage, so it is worth acknowledging your friend’s strength and bravery as you watch her face this difficult time. By being your friend’s cheerleader, you are helping to feed her strength and confidence to continue her grieving and recovery process. But, when you say, ” God won’t give your something you’re not strong enough to handle,” your friend might be hearing, “If you were weaker you wouldn’t have had a miscarriage and you would be happily waiting for your baby to arrive.” By accident you brought your friend down and caused her to feel like she is to blame.

Say: I don’t know/ I wish I knew
Not: All things happen for a reason
— Right now, your friend may be asking a lot of “why” questions, and she may verbalize these questions to you. It is OK to tell your friend that you don’t know the answer to her question. She may ask, “Why did this happen to me?” A good response is, “I don’t know. I am so sorry you are going through this.” (See there is “I’m so sorry” again) Your friend may share your philosophy of “all things happen for a reason,” but she may not feel that way right now. However, if your friend says “all things happen for reason” while talking about miscarriage, then nod in agreement and say, “I think so too.”

Say: I’ve been thinking about you
Not: I’m glad you’re OK
— By saying “I’ve been thinking about you” you are telling your friend that she is important to  you and that you are grateful for her health and wellbeing. Saying “I’m glad you’re OK” may not sit well with your friend. Even if your friend is OK health wise (miscarriages can cause health complications), she may not be OK mentally or emotionally.

Say: I am so sorry you are going through this right now
Not: It just wasn’t the right time
— “I am so sorry” is the fall back response when you don’t know what to say. If your friend is having “why now” questions, “I don’t know. I am so sorry you are going through this right now,” is all  you have to say. It is not your place to judge the timing of your friend’s pregnancy. There is hardly ever an ideal time to have a baby, but there is almost never a right time to have a miscarriage. So even if it wasn’t a great time for your friend to have a baby, it was an even worse time to have a miscarriage.

Say: Something
Not: Nothing
— Even if you don’t know what to say, say something. I am begging you. Anything is better than nothing. By saying nothing, your are telling your friend that her miscarriage does not exist to you or that it doesn’t matter to you. Of course you know that your friend had a miscarriage and of course it means something to you, but by not acknowledging  your friend’s miscarriage, you are sending her the message that you don’t care. And please don’t avoid her. By avoiding your friend, you are isolating her and chances are having a miscarriage has made her feel very alone and your company would mean a lot to her, even if you don’t know what to say.

It may be difficult, but your friend needs to know you care and that it is OK for her to come to you if she needs someone to talk to. When in doubt, “I am so sorry”  and a hug go a long way.

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Just over ago I went through a miscarriage. I wrote about it here.

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