The Miscarriage – Part 6: It Stings a Little

If you are new here or need a refresher course, you may want to start with the posts below to understand where all of this is coming from…
The Miscarriage – Part 1: The Loss
The Miscarriage – Part 2: Waiting to Move On
The Miscarriage – Part 3: From the ER
The Miscarriage – Part 4: To The OR
The Miscarriage – Part 5: The Post Op

It’s been several months since the last time we discussed my miscarriage, so I feel obligated to remind you of a few things that you must agree to before reading what follows.

Before you read this…

1. If you are pregnant or just had a baby do not feel guilty or afraid to share your joy with us. We are so happy and excited for you.

2. If you are still struggling with the loss of a pregnancy, proceed with caution. This post may cause your feelings of pain and sorrow to resurface.

3. I am going to share things with you that you are never supposed to say out loud. I ask that you please withhold judgement. Everyone handles the loss of a pregnancy differently. Trust me, this is not at all how I imagined I would respond to a miscarriage.

If you can agree to these things, I invite you to continue reading…

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Had my pregnancy that ultimately ended in emergency surgery been successful, I would be insanely sleep deprived right now. I would be spending my nights getting up getting up every two hours to nurse a baby who just can’t seem to get enough to eat. Had my pregnancy been successful, my due date would have been April 22, 2010, or there abouts.

I came to this hard realization a couple of weeks ago when I heard that a friend of mine was expecting a baby. She had her first baby about the same time Moanna was born, and she is on her way to the next one. In fact, many of the ladies who had their first babies within a few months of Moanna, now have a second little one, or have a bun in the oven. Some are even baking their third one. It stings a little. OK, it stings a lot.

Please, please don’t get me wrong, I am more than happy for them – for you. But, ouch.

Recently, every glowing pregnant lady and swaddled bundle of joy that crosses my path reminds me of someone who isn’t here. It doesn’t help that my church is a baby factory; it’s bursting at the seams with pregnant women and brand spanking new babies. It reminds me of the empty and unworthy feelings I felt while going through my miscarriage. I am reminded that Moanna is still an only child, and I can only hope she isn’t lonely for someone who could be here but isn’t. I am reminded that Steve isn’t putting diapers on too tight and isn’t cleaning binkies by popping them into his mouth after they hit the floor. It makes me blue.

I hurt even more because I am still not pregnant. We’re not trying, well, we’re not, not trying. We’ve been trying (not really) since February and as far as I know, I’m not pregnant. We’ve not been on a mission in our pregnancy attempts by any means. Calendars and thermometers are not involved and Steve and I are frequently not in the same part of the country. We’ve never really had to play the trying and waiting game.  I am fully aware that “these things take time” so please keep your “all in due time” sentiments to yourself.

The longer it is taking me to get pregnant, the more nervous I get about not being able to have more children. Again, I am fully aware that “I have nothing to worry about,” but I went through a very traumatic miscarriage and I am now missing some of my lady parents, so I believe a little unease is allowed. And again, I know that we’re “not trying” but my first two pregnancies happened because Steve looked at me funny, so the fact that it has taken more than five minutes for me to get pregnant is extremely not normal for us.

I find myself sometimes analyzing every pain and ping in my body. Do my boobs hurt because I’m pregnant, or do they hurt because I’m starting my period? Do I feel like throwing up because I’m pregnant, or because I’m stressed? Am I exhausted because I’m pregnant, or because I’ve been working too much? Did I just have an emotional breakdown over a sitcom because I’m pregnant, or because I’m starting my period?

Can someone tell my why pregnancy symptoms and period symptoms are the same?

Life and motherhood would be much easier if your bellybutton turned purple as soon as you were pregnant. A lot of stress and guilt would be eliminated. Because I’ll think, “Hmm my boobs hurt. I wonder if I’m pregnant. OH CRAP, I took two Tylenol PM’s last night and ate blue cheese and rare tuna! I’m a terrible mother.”

There is no telling where our lives would have taken us had my last pregnancy held on. Would the baby have been healthy? Would I have been healthy? Would there have been complications? Would I be working? Would Steve still be at his old miserable job? Would Moanna be excited or jealous? Would we have moved? There are no answers, and it’s probably best that we don’t know. All we can do is trust that everything is happening exactly the way it is supposed to.

I am grateful for the journey and what it has taught us. I know and accept that my miscarriage happened for a reason, but to this day it still stings a little.

OK, it stings a lot.

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