Me, Myself and Mommy

If you are new to our journey, you may want to start with the posts below to understand where all of this is coming from…
The Miscarriage – Part 1: The Loss
The Miscarriage – Part 2: Waiting to Move On
The Miscarriage – Part 3: From the ER
The Miscarriage – Part 4: To The OR

It’s been two and half months since my miscarriage initially began. I was not at all prepared for what was to come in the following weeks. I had no idea. I was not expecting that I would be away from work for so long. The idea of getting a shot of chemo never entered my mind. Why would it? I did not ever imagine that I would go into emergency surgery.

Recovery has been a long process. I was not prepared to be down for as long as I was after surgery. I thought that after a few weeks,  I would be able to return to the life that I knew. There were times that I got very down and frustrated with the process because I was tired of feeling useless and lifeless. I had to constantly remind myself that I had several things stacked against me that were drawing out my recovery. I was pregnant, I had a miscarriage, I had a shot of chemo, I had emergency surgery, I was exposed to H1N1, I was treated for H1N1 (just to be safe), I was on a lot of medication, my hormones were getting batted around, and my Fibromyalgia was surfacing big time. Of course it was going to take longer than expected to recover.

During my last post op appointment I had a final ultra sound and exam. Overall, things went well. I have had continued tenderness in my right side. It is probably my body adjusting to some scar tissue that has formed. There is a slight chance that it is because my right ovary is misplaced. If I have the tenderness becomes severe or causes other complications, then we may have to look at doing some surgery to put the ovary back where it belongs. My doctor feels that the ovary will return to its normal position on it’s on, or get comfortable in it’s new location. Other than that, the doctor was pleased with my progress and felt comfortable releasing me to normal activity minus heavy lifting.

Finally, on November 10, I returned to work. I was happier to return to work than I had anticipated. I was happy to see my coworkers and my clients. I was happy to talk about things other than my struggles. It was nice to get up and get dressed, and know that I was going to accomplish things. I’m not sure that I was fully ready to return to work, but I knew that I needed to press forward.

I still have to take it easy. At about 2:00PM everyday my body screams for a nap, and I have to take a break. I also lose my momentum after about an hour of activity, and have to sit down for a water break and breather.

This experience has opened my eyes to many things and given me ample time to contemplate life. The most important thing that I have realized is that I desperately need to work on balancing my life. I have always been famous for pushing myself to the point of crashing, and this experience has been a huge wake up call. A really big crash. I know that I had no control over what happened, but I do feel that if my life were more in balance it would not have taken this long to recover. I have made a commitment to myself and to my family to work on taking better care of myself. It is vital that I slow down and embrace the process instead of rushing through life trying to do everything.

Steve and I both desperately want to grow our family. We have had many conversations about when to start trying again. Right now, we are looking at trying again in February. We want to make sure that my body is ready to carry a healthy baby. There are also some other administrative and logistical things that we want to take care of before we add to the wonderful madness that is life.

Steve is confident that even though our fertility rate has dropped by 30% (doctor’s calculations) that we will have no trouble conceiving. It took us no time to get pregnant this time. Plus, Moanna was conceived on birth control. Steve thinks that we are super fertile and that a 30% decrease is nothing. To him a 30% decrease puts us closer to a “normal” fertility rate.

I admit that I am a little nervous about being able to get pregnant. What if my right side was the baby factory and the left ovary is a dud? What if I have another miscarraige? What if something goes wrong and I lose the other tube or ovary? Do you have any idea how expensive IVF is? What if I’m never able to carry another child? These are the thoughts that run through my head. Then Steve assures me that we’ll be able to have many more healthy babies. Before I know it, I’ll be enjoying many mornings of gagging and nights of getting kicked in the bladder. Until then, I will take plenty of vitamins and bask in the glory of uninterrupted sleep.

The worst case scenario happened in the best way possible. I can not tell you how many times that thought has come to mind throughout this experience. At every step along the way, the terrible thing that only happens to one person out of a very large x number has happened. I am the one in the x. I am the statistic. However, each time things turned for the worse, it went better than anyone could have imagined. Throughout this process I’ve had great doctors and care. From the very beginning we have had constant support from friends and family. In what could be considered a very dark time in our lives, we found happiness, joy and purpose. For all of this, I am grateful beyond words. I am grateful for the experience, the challenge, the growth.

The Miscarriage – Part 6: It Stings a Little

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 17th, 2009 at 9:30 am and is filed under Me, Myself and Mommy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.