The Wrong Best
I am famous for telling others, “You just have to know that you are doing the best you can for you and your family.” I, from the depths of my being, believe that you must know that you are doing your best. You can’t put yourself down; you can’t compare yourselves to your mom friends, you can’t take judgement from others seriously. I know this. I know that I am doing my best at what I am doing for my family.
But, what if you are doing your best at something that just isn’t working? That is exactly how I feel. I know that I am doing my best at what I am doing. However, my systems, schedules and strategies just are not working for me or my family.
Over the summer when work was slow, my home functioned. It was cleaner than usual, there was healthy food in the cabinets, I had time and energy to do projects with Mo, I had time and energy for my husband, I had time and energy for myself. I had a mostly balanced life and home.
It has only been a week since I started back to work full force. We’re talking zero to sixty in the blink of an eye. Seriously, I went from vacation to a six-day work-week. I have not been grocery shopping since then, nor have I done much of any cleaning or organizing in the house. I have cooked dinner once in the past week. All of my domestic projects were immediately put on stand by. Instead, I have worked and napped. That is all my body will allow. And, oh by the way, Moanna isn’t even home from her trip to Maryland yet. I have no idea how to add her to the mix of something that is already quickly becoming a disaster.
I want to go to work and work hard. I want to come home and make dinner and play with Moanna. I want to grocery shop for healthy, affordable food and keep my house clean. However, my body is not on the same page with the rest of my being. My body can’t keep up with everything that I expect out of it, mentally and physically.
The easy solutions would be…
1. Delegate chores to your husband.
- The husband also has a very demanding job, and he actually keeps up with his chores around the house.
2. Quit your job.
- I can’t wait to be a stay-at-home mom one day, but I can’t just up and leave my job. My family depends on me for financial support and insurance. Plus, I like what I do for work.
3. Hire someone to do errands and clean.
- We do not have a budget that includes hired help. I also really enjoy taking care of my home and family. I enjoy the house work, cooking and shopping.
I do not know what to do. I know that what I am doing is not working for me or my family. I just do not have solutions.
So, I am asking for advice. How do you juggle the many hats you must wear as a mom? I do not care if you work, stay-at-home, or something in between. I know you have run into this challenge many times, and I know you have found solutions. I know you have secrets. I know you have found ways to make things work better for you and your family.
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I like to say that my six word memoir is “1 husband, 2 jobs, 3 kids” which means I totally understand where you’re coming from here. It is very difficult to get everything done. Mostly, I’ve just lowered my expectations of what needs to get done versus what should get done. I check out workitmom.com frequently and get some good easy recipes and other ideas. I’m sure there are other sites like that out there too. Finally, this feeling is cyclical, next month you’ll feel super organized and a month after that you (and I) will be freaking out because Christmas is just around the corner!!!
i completely hear you on this. it seems like whenever one aspect of my life is flourishing, all others take a back seat and start to look a bit shabby. i hate not being able to be everything and do everything at peak performance all the time. here’s what i recommend, if you can swing it at all (and you’d be surprised, you probably can):
hire someone to come clean your house every two weeks. have them do all the major stuff (bathrooms, wash floors, wash the sheets and remake the beds, dust, vacuum everything etc). you will be surprised what a huge difference this makes because for the two weeks between cleanings all you have to do is maintain. things will start to get messy the few days before the cleaners come but that’s okay – they’re coming! also, you have to do a tidy before they come (put away toys, stray junk in general) which is like pressing a reset button. the whole house starts off fresh every two weeks. it’s awesome!
I don’t really have advice, just an observation. You *just* started back to work full-time. It’s totally expected that you will be completely exhausted. Once your body adjusts to the full-time demands, you will get back to a better, more balanced routine. Maybe not completely balanced, but more balanced. Just give it time and be patient with yourself. (Ok, I guess that last sentence could count as advice!) Be well.
I work FT, have a toddler and am almost 5 months pregnant, so I can totally relate. It was really hard for me when I first came back to work after maternity leave to find a good way to balance everything. I found that, for me, what works is doing a little bit each day instead of letting everything pile up and trying to do it all at once.
Instead of doing laundry on the weekends, I throw a load in when I get home from work and do a load every other day or so. It’s not fun doing laundry every other day, but it beats getting to the weekend and having 5 loads piled up. My husband cooks dinner, I do the dishes. While he’s cooking, I hang out with our son and while I’m doing the dishes, he spends time with him. We have a set grocery night (Wednesday) each week in which we all go shopping as a family. We pick up the house every night after putting our son to bed, so on the weekends, deep cleaning is all that is really left. I try then to get my son involved as well (letting him dust, wipe down the counters, or use the Dust Buster) b/c he really seems to enjoy being able to help.
Like I said, this is what works for us and it took a while for us to figure that out. We struggled through for some time before we got into a groove. You’ll find your groove as well. I hope it’s soon.
who are your visiting teachers? this might sound tough but ask them to help. i hate asking for help…and i got lucky, mine offered and i sucked in my pride and said okay…that’s when sis. butler and all the young women came and cleaned my house. i was so overwhelmed and so grateful i just cried. it has helped so much. i mean, honestly, it’s a mess again, but not horribly, it’s dishes and laundry and toys and such, but the kitchen floor isn’t grimy and the bathrooms are clean and i can still see a lot more floor than i could before (particularly in bedrooms). i don’t know who yours are (and if they’re like me they’re really bad at actually visiting) but i’m sure they’d love to help. heck, other moms (me included, just tell me what to do!) would like to help, we know what it’s like, we feel it to.
Renee, from someone who has FM and used to be able to do it all (and still stupidly tries sometimes)…go blind. I mean stop seeing everything you aren’t able to do. It’ll drive you nuts if you keep your focus on what you can’t do rather than what you can. Make sure you save some energy for the things you enjoy, too. It’s gets real old when you have little energy and just spend it all on chores. I used to be a neat freak and now I’m lucky if I mop my kitchen floor once a month. I just can’t do it so I don’t look at it. I do, however, take 15 minutes every evening before bed and de-clutter. Dishes to the sink, papers put at least in one pile, socks picked up, table cleaned off, etc. Makes a difference in the morning not to have to see junk strewn about. It’s what I do for me because as you know, who knows how we’re going to feel the next day? Maybe you could find room in your budget to pay someone to do one or two things you just can’t get to but really have to be done. The things you hate the most to do or are the hardest to do. Drop off your laundry or hire a housekeeper just once a month to get you started over. Watch the HGTV show “Clean House” a couple of times to get perspective. Those people will make you feel like a domestic goddess when you see what pigs they live like. Sounds like you need to lighten up on yourself a little bit, kiddo.
When you figure it out – LET me know – okay. Because I just posted a similar post about scheduling everything and not being able to. It is frustrating because I so want to be able to succeed at this mom/wife/house/life business!
To heck with those dust bunnies. I’ve never seen them grow fangs. I know it’s unlikely you’ll ever lower your expectations of what you should accomplish. Maybe just change your perspective. YOU ARE BRILLIANT!! What you accomplish on any given day is admirable. No guilt necessary. First have fun with your beautiful family. When you change your perspective somtimes less important things dwindle and take their proper place. Like dust bunnies and piles if clothes!! Rest is more important, fun and family too. Believe me.
I have a bit more radical of a suggestion. (Although I agree about hiring an every-other-week cleaning service. I did, and its the best $160 I spend every month. Seriously, its better than Christmas or the fanciest, most perfect meal, and there’s still plenty of cleaning/organizing to do (since you mentioned you actually enjoy it)).
Can you downgrade your work schedule without quitting entirely? Does your employer offer a reduced-hours option? Or is there another way to do what you do professionally, but in a less demanding environment? In other words, is there some way you can get more time for you and your family, and yet avoid the leap to being a full-time SAHM?
I’m the breadwinner in our family, so I can relate. I hated my old job mainly because it demanded 110% all the time. In fact, the demands were so great, I started to wonder whether I was in the right profession at all, whereas up until then, I had always really enjoyed what I do. There was no time or energy left over for me, the house, or the husband. (We had also been trying to get pregnant for years, and I have to wonder that my schedule wasn’t contributing to the problem.)
I was able to get a government position doing basically what I did before in the private sector, except its 5 days a week, normal hours, and I don’t bring work home with me. I took a substantial paycut, but one my family could live with. Things are definitely tighter, and we’ve had to make some changes in our lifestyle. But when I say life is a million times better? Huge understatement. The energy you gain seems to feed on itself, and you’ll find it touching parts of your life you weren’t even conscious of needing it in. (By the way, a year after my career change, we got pregnant. Coincedence? Perhaps. Or perhaps not.)
Good luck… I wish you the best. Its hard making this all work, but you’re on the right track!!!
P.S. I am a first-time reader, having just popped over from Chookooloonks. I’m looking forward to reading more of your blog!!! Happy Love Thursday.
My partner and I have been trying for our first baby for over 4 years now and have yet to be successful. We have undergone several rounds of IVF and each time the embryo was rejected by my body. I have tried several other alternative remedies such as the miracleofpregnancy.com which was useful but did not work for us. A friend of ours whom is in a similar position has tried the Pregnancy Miracle which has worked for them on the first attempt, we are really happy for them both as they too have been trying for nearly as long as ourselves. Has anyone else ever tried this or is it just coincidence do you think?